I Need a Hero

Today at lunch the Pamphlets met at Taco Bell to share a meal. I am one of those people who frequently custom-orders fast food, not because I'm uberpicky or anything, but for the simple reason that uncooked onions are gross and leave a terrible burpy aftertaste. So my burrito supreme is always ordered without onions. Only today it wasn't made correctly, and the onions were STILL THERE. Yuck! What to do? I really don't want to eat the onion burrito. I have an afternoon meeting in which I'll speak a lot in a small room. Onion breath is not a healthy part of that equation. It will definitely have to be returned to the counter and traded for a properly onionless version. This, I firmly believe, is best handled by Blue, for very good reasons.
Blue Takes It Back vs Pink Takes It Back

When a man takes an item back, it's because it's the restaurant's mistake. When a woman takes it back, she is bitchy and finicky.

Blue can shift attention from himself and thus feel no pressure. "My wife's burrito has onions. She wants a new one." If I go up there, it's all about me. "I really wanted one without onions. It's on the receipt... Can I have a new one.... please?"

It's romantically old-fashioned and even chivalrous for Blue to fix the burrito problem for me and swoop in on a white horse with a non-smelly burrito. It is icky and confrontational for me to go up there and complain about my food if the problem is not really a health or safety issue, but rather based only on my wants.

It takes little effort for Blue to do it. I offered to pay him $5.00 even.

Blue, strangely, did not agree with my arguments. He felt I needed to "be assertive" and "show that the sexes are equal" and "put on my big girl panties" and go up there and do it myself. I say the nice thing to do is be the hero and go up there for me, even if being assertive would be a character-building experience for me. I'd rather save assertiveness training for more important issues. So here it is folks, the first ever, You Decide Pink and Blue Pamphlet Poll: What should it be? Hubby the Hero or See Pink Turn Red? The end result is, of course, Blue got his way. I went up and got a fixed burrito. But I'd still like to know what the good readers think of the issue. Please vote via comments. And remember that I still have that five bucks.

Footnote: Little Blue gallantly offered to be my hero at dinner when Blue and I were joking about lunch. I love that little guy.

If nothing else, the internet has taught us how to self-obsess.

And yet still more getting to know me.


Four jobs you have had in your life:

1. Secretary
2. Sort and Count in a casino vault
3. Office Manager of a courier company
4. Accounting Assistant/Davis-Bacon, Section 3, and Minority Contracting Compliance specialist

Four movies you would watch over and over:

1. The Man From Snowy River
2. The Lord of the Rings trilogy
3. Finding Nemo over and over and over, because Little Blue loves it
4. The Incredibles, because I like it as much as Little Blue does.

Four places you have lived:

1. Willits, CA
2. Davis, CA
3. Independence, MO
4. Olathe, KS

4 TV shows you love to watch:

1. NCIS
2. House
3. Battlestar Galactica
4. Anything on FoodTV with Rachel Ray

4 places you have been on vacation:

1. Pismo Beach, CA
2. Willits, with a day in Fort Bragg
3. Laurie, at the Lake of the Ozarks
4. 28 states on any one of many family road trips

Four websites I visit daily:

1. For the past 2 days, and the next few, sportsline.com to look at how my brackets are doing.
2. google
3. gmail
4. bluepamphlet

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Italian
2. Chinese & Thai
3. Pizza
4. Mexican

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. Upstairs in bed sleeping through my tummyache
2. cuddled up with a good book and some hot chai
3. not thinking about going to work tomorrow
4. sitting on the couch with some jamocha almond fudge ice cream.

"I have made fire!"

I feel like Tom Hanks in "Cast Away" today. I have made good, healthy food for my family, from scratch, without a recipe!!! It is a triumphant day in the battle against cooking laziness and taking the easy way out. So often I serve frozen pizza, hamburger helper, or take-out. And truthfully, not getting home until 5pm and Little Blue having a 7pm bedtime, that's all there's time for on week nights most of the time. Rachel Ray might make 30 minute meals but she also makes another 30 minutes of kitchen clean-up time, and I'd rather spend that time with my son. So really adventurous, homestyle, and slow-cooked meals are reserved for weekends, and today I outdid myself, if I may say so. The in-laws were over for dinner and NASCAR and I put together a delicious and hearty meal of seafood chowder using only ingredients I already had on hand. Plus it was in the crock pot, so it required only occasional attention and prep work from me and mostly took care of itself. Best of all, my family loved it. It started with four or five frozen boneless cod filets, seasoned with a sprinkling of my all-time favorite all-purpose spice, Santa Maria seasoning, which I import via relatives from California because it's not sold out here, but basically it's a nice preblended mixture of garlic, pepper, parsley, and salt. After a couple of hours I added coarsely chopped artificial crab meat and canned whole potatoes chopped into bite sized pieces. With that went another sprinkling of Santa Maria plus some celery salt, since I had no celery on hand. Also a dash of dried minced onions and some onion powder for flavor and texture combined. Oh and about a cup and a half of water. I almost used chicken stock instead for additional flavor, but decided it would've been too salty and also too high in sodium. Another couple of hours later and I was ready to work on my soup broth. I made a rue of butter and flour cooked to a golden sort of dry pasta color, then very slowly added about a cup and a quarter of milk. (If you don't add the milk super slow, its coldness will shock the butter/flour paste and cause it to turn into tiny bits of never-dissolving dough instead of a smooth creamy sauce.) To this cream sauce I added more celery salt, a tiny shake of Santa Maria, a healthy dose of black pepper, and a shake of garlic powder. I cooked it on medium for about ten minutes, not letting it boil, which cooked out any remaining flour taste. Then into the crock pot it went and kept at just below a simmer for about ten minutes so all the flavors could meld together. Voila! I served it with half a loaf of yummy, crusty Country Bread from Panera that was left over from stew we had the night before. Rave reviews, loved by all but Little Blue and even he liked it enough to finish all but two bites of his dinner. I was quietly, humble and gracious but inwardly ecstatic, as I always am whenever I manage to feed people something I feel is good. There's something very satisfying about nourishing people, providing sustenance that I've put my time and love into, made with my own skills, however flawed, and seeing happy faces of enjoyment around my table. If I won the lottery I would probably take cooking classes and host dinners at my house every week just to keep up that great feeling. A truly happy day.

Because Cameragal found a survey that made me laugh

What time did you get up this morning? 5:45, 5:49, 5:53, 5:57, and 6:01. After that I got out of bed. ;)

Diamonds or pearls? I'm not a jewelry wearer most of the time, but to look at pretty pictures in catalogs, I prefer diamonds.

What was the last film you saw at the cinema? The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe

What is your favourite TV show? Battlestar Galactica, House, NCIS, Stargate SG-1, and Stargate Atlantis. Oh and Lost.

What do you usually have for breakfast? A single chicken-broccoli-cheddar hot pocket and a cup of coffee or tea. Washed down with my morning dose of insulin sensitizing pills.

Favourite cuisine? Italian, Chinese, Thai, Mexican.

What food do you dislike? cucumbers, melons, frozen peas, frozen greenbeans, mushrooms, raw onions, liver, sweet potatoes.

What is your favourite CD at the moment? The mixed ones I make to listen to in Blue's car.

Morning or night person? I'm good all day except the first 15 minutes of the day. After that I'm great. During those 15 minutes I am an uncoordinated space cadet who needs to be constantly supervised to keep from bumping into walls and stepping on kitty.

Favourite sandwich? I love tons of different sandwiches, I don't have a favorite, it just depends what I'm in the mood for that day. But if you go by statistics, what sandwich do I eat the most, which removes lots of yummy sandwiches from the list that are too complicated to make or require ingredients I don't typically keep on hand, then the tie for first place would be egg sandwiches and tuna sandwiches.

What characteristic do you despise? Bigotry, homophobia, prejudice, discrimination AND reverse discrimination.

Favourite item of clothing? Any really soft snuggly shirt that Blue wears.

If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be? Australia! And then Alaska.

What colour is your bathroom? We have a white and blue bathroom and a mostly colorless off-white bathroom.

Favourite brand of clothing? Liz and Me

Where would you retire to? Somewhere with a mild climate but a low cost of living.

What was your most memorable birthday? I remember my 5th, 13th, and 21st the most. After that I mostly started remembering other birthdays, like fun little toddler birthday parties we go to with Little Blue.

What's the best quality about your s/o or best friend: Something about him makes everyone love him, respect him, and turn to him for help. He's got that special, je ne se quois, or however you spell that.

Who do you least expect to complete this? Annielove, cause she hasn't posted on her blog since October.

Person you expect to complete it first? Kelly's probably right, Scott.

Person who is least busy? I don't really know any unbusy people....

When is your birthday? March 8th

What is your shoe size? 10.5 to 11 men's! I'm practically off the chart for women's shoes.

Pets? pretty kitty, Guenhwyvar

Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? I lost ten pounds. Or actually, I relost ten pounds I'd already lost and then gained back over the holidays. Too bad backpedaling doesn't actually burn calories!

What did you want to be when you were little? A high-powered, ass-kicking District Attorney.

What is the funniest comment/complement someone has given you in the past week? Sometimes my boss calls me the Pink Panther because of the amateur investigative research I do.

What date on the calendar are you looking forward to? Friday! Tomorrow!

One word to describe yourself? Paradoxical. (Blue says that's a good way of saying "double standard!" in one word.)

Because everything else I can think of to write about at the moment sounds complainy...

What time are you starting this?: 9:18pm
Name?: Pink
Nicknames?: soooo many, soooo not telling all of them.
Where were you born?: El Cajon, CA (that’s pronounced [ell cah-HONE], not [ell cah-john], Kansans.)
Number of candles on your last birthday cake?: I think the wording of this question is ridiculous. How about, “How old are you?” and then I say, “26, for a few more weeks.”
Pets?: One kitty named Guenhwyvar
Hair color?: Dark blonde (or light brown?) with some auburn highlights and I pluck the grays.
Piercings?: The old-fashioned two in the ears kind. I used to have a second in each ear and a third ear piercing in my right ear, but I think they closed up. Being on the phone all the time whilst needing my hands free means earrings get really uncomfortable.
Town you live in?: Olathe, KS
Favorite foods?: Chinese and Italian, and Mexican. And pizza.
Ever been to Africa?: No…. nor Europe, nor Australia, nor any other of Earth’s continents except North America. Why single out just Africa?
Been toilet papering?: As I explained to Little Blue, T.P. is only for wiping our noses OR our potty parts, (not both at once!) and that’s all.
Love someone so much it made you cry?: Frequently. (Frequently loved that much, not necessarily frequently cried about it.)
Been in a car accident?: Just a fender bender or two. None that I honestly feel responsible for, though in the wonderful state of Kansas even an accident I couldn’t possibly avoid in front of me counts as my fault. *grumble*
Croutons or bacon bits?: Croutons, unless the bacon bits are genuine real bacon crumbles that are CRISPY, not chewy.
Favorite day of the week?: Friday.
Favorite resturant?: The Thai Place, Olive Garden.
Favorite flower?: To look at? Roses. But the scent is too strong for me, so for bouquets it’s usually carnations.
Favorite sport to watch?: Iron Chef! :p
Favorite drink?: Water, Diet Coke, Pepsi One, raspberry martinis, white Russians. Oh and chocolate martinis too.
Favorite ice cream flavor?: Chocolate or mocha almond fudge.
Warner Bros. or Disney?: I grew up on Disney, and I love the old Disney classics still.
Favorite fast food restuarant?: Goodcents, Arby’s, Taco Bell.
Carpet color in your bedroom?: Honey wheat. Ignore Blue’s answer. Boys don’t know colors.
How many times did you fail your driver's test?: None.
Whom did you get your last email from?: My co-worker, MB.
Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?: Bed Bath and Beyond.
What do you do most often when you are bored?: play on the computer or read books.
Most annoying thing to say to me?: “You are soooo lucky to have/take home/be married to [Blue]. Isn’t he just wonderful?” As a matter of fact he is, hence my being in love with him. But doesn’t anybody think he’s just the tiniest bit lucky to have me???
Bedtime?: 10-11 p.m.
Favorite TV show?: The entire line-up of Sci-Fi Fridays: Stargate SG-1, Atlantis, and Battlestar Galactica.
Last person you went out to dinner with?: Blue and Little Blue
Been out of country?: Not once, but not for lack of wanting to.
Believe in magick?: Yes
Ford or Chevy?: I like the Ford I drive, but in general I’m a born-and-raised GMC fan.
What are you listening to right now?: Blue playing GTA San Andreas.
Have you ever failed a grade?: No.
If you have, what grade did you fail?:
Do you have a crush on someone?: Does it count if I think some celebrities are cute? Currently I like Jason Isaacs. But not as Lucius. Being mean and the whole white-blonde thing don’t do it for me.
Do you have a bf/gf?: Husband.
If so, what is their name?: Blue
How long have you been together?: Wow, I can’t believe this fall will make 9 years that we’ve known each other.
What are you wearing right now?: Black jeans and a fall-colored shirt.
Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers?: Not that I remember.
Do you smoke?: Hell no. I’m so sensitive to smoke it’s actually inconvenient for ME sometimes, let alone for smokers. I can smell a smoker from about 10 feet, even when they aren’t currently lit up. Sometimes my coughing and needing to get away for fresh air when I’m around them is annoying. But I don’t have much sympathy for them, to be honest.
Do you drink?: Less than 2-3 drinks per week at the most, closer to an average of 4-5 drinks per month.
Are you ghetto?: I’m not sure exactly what that’s supposed to mean, but if I take my clues from the way I was treated at a recent job site meeting regarding diversity hiring practices, I would say probably not. Certain members of a mostly minority community were not thrilled that I have my job instead of one of them. I guess you can’t please everybody.
Are you a player?: I like games.
What are your favorite colors?: Blue.
What is your favorite animal?: Cats and dragons.
Do you have any birthmarks?: Yes.
Have you ever gotten your ass kicked?: Once in my Tae Kwon Do class, and once at a Karate tournament. But at all the other tournaments I went to, I medaled.
Who do you talk to most on the phone?: Subcontractors.
Do you get online a lot?: Couple hours a day usually.
Are you shy or outgoing?: Most often shy.
Do you shower?: Yes. But I dream of having a giant bathtub filled with scented soap bubbles and no toddler.
Do you hate school?: I loved school.
Do you have a social life?: Enough to keep me happy. It’s not a super busy social calendar, by most standards though.
How easily do you trust people?: Pink is spelled G-U-L-L-I-B-L-E with a capital G.
Would you ever sky dive?: Thrillseeking doesn’t seem like such a “cool” thing to do when you have a child’s future to consider. Is any 3 minutes of fun or excitement worth risking my life for? Not that I can think of.
Do you like to dance?: With Blue, yes.
Have you ever been out of state?: I’ve been to 28 of them, at last count.
Do you like to travel?: Yes.
Have you ever been expelled from school?: definitely not.
Have you ever been suspended from school?: Not once.
Do you want to get out of your hometown?: I did, 1800 miles out. Not because I didn’t like it, though. I loved it. Just not as much as Blue.
Are you spoiled?: In many, many ways.
Are you a brat?: *angelic*
Have you ever been dumped?: Three times.
Do you like snapple?: Not especially.
Do you drink a lot of water?: I try to.
What toothpaste do you use?: Sensodyne, my teeth are sugar sensitive.
Do you have a cell phone?: Sure do.
Do you have a curfew?: On the rare occasion I’m out in the evening, I really prefer to be home in time to say goodnight to Little Blue.
Who do you look up to?: Lately I really look up to my dad. He’s made a lot of changes in himself in the past few years to be an even better man/husband/father than I already thought he was. It makes me proud.
Are you a role model?: I try to be a good role model for my son, but when he’s not around, I cut loose a little and have fun.
Have you ever been to Six Flags or Cedar Point?: I’ve been to a theme park that used to be called Six Flags Great America in California, but I think it has different owners now. I don’t know what Cedar Point is.
What name brand do you wear the most?: Lady Speed Stick Wild Freesia. I never go a day without wearing it.
What kind of jewelry do you wear?: My wedding band. Rarely earrings, when I’m not going to be on the phone a lot.
What do you want pierced?: Um, no stabbings today, thanks.
Do you like takin pictures?: yep!
Do you like gettin your picture taken?: nooo, not really.
Do you have a tan?: I can not tan.
Do you get annoyed easily?: Certain things set me off a lot faster than others.
Have you ever started a rumor?: Not intentionally.
Do you have your own phone or phone line?: I’m a big girl now, I get to have my own phone line and pay for it too! Along with the electricity, the gas, the water, and the rest of the house.
Do you have your own pool?: Sometimes there’s a little puddle in the car port…
Do you have any siblings?: I had six sisters and two brothers. One of my sisters died. At the age of 48. Of throat cancer that she got from, wait a minute, oh yeah, from SMOKING! Yes I’m still mad about it even though it was two years ago. Yes I always will be. Yes I get even more angry when I see people who know better who are just too lazy or too nonchalant to quit. People who are older now than she was when she died and don’t even have the grace to be thankful that they aren’t seriously ill from smoking complications yet. Or people that are young, knowing all we know about it now, with enough time ahead of them to stop and even reverse it’s harmful effects on their bodies, and are still bullheaded and stubborn and yeah-I’ll-say-it STUPID enough to keep doing it anyway. Yeah, quitting is hard! It’s uncomfortable! It’s irritating and sometimes painful and a lot of work! It might take years to quit completely. And it’s goddamn worth it, that’s what it is.
Have you ever been played?: Blue plays me like a virtuoso whenever he wants to manipulate a surprise for me or a favorable answer out of me.
Have you ever played anyone?: Yes.
Do you get along with your parents?: Almost all the time.
How do you vent your anger?: Mostly with music and talking.
Have you ever ran away?: Have you ever RUN away. Not ran. Yes. Once. Sort of. I made a circle and went right back home of course.
Have you ever been fired from a job?: No.
Do you even have a job?: From age 14 to now the longest I have ever not had a job is 2 months. I’ve been at my current job for over 3 years.
Do you daydream a lot?: Not nearly as much as I used to.
Do you have a lot of ex's?: No.
Do you run your mouth?: Quite a bit, I suppose.
What do you want a tattoo of?: I don’t want a tattoo.
What does your ex bf/gf look like?: Technically, Blue is my most recent ex. Obviously, we got back together and got married. ;)
What does your most recent crush look like?: Other than the obvious answer, there are a few celebrities I think are hot. But there’s no one “type” of appearance that universally appeals to me.
Whats her/his name?: It’s a secret.
Are you rude?: Not usually.
What was the last compliment you recieved?: Yesterday Little Blue told me, “Good job, Mommie!” when I finished all my dinner. :)
Are you flexiable?: I’m fairly adaptable. Which is different, but in my opinion a little more important.
What is your heritage?: British and American. With some way, way distant far back German I think. Oh and some way far back French, too, since I’m related to Davy Crockett and his ancestors were French, the Crocketagne family.
What is your lucky number?: 26
What does your hair look like right now?: A bun with some wisps falling out.
Could you ever be a vegetarian?: I have been occasionally in the past.
Describe your looks?: I guarantee you I look exactly like my mother’s only birth daughter.
If you had to completely dye your hair it'd be what color?: Auburn.
Would you ever date someone younger than you?: I would never date while I’m married. :p Which is a bit of a cheater answer, I suppose. In the past I haven’t ever dated anyone younger than me, but not because I wouldn’t. It just didn’t happen to work out that way.
Would you ever date someone older than you?: Blue is older than me.
How many rings until you answer the phone?: As few as possible. It’s one of my compulsions.
When was the last time you went on a date?: While LB attended a BD party for a friend, pink and I took in a cheap pizza buffett, does that count? <-- What Blue said.
Do you look more like your mother or father?: Like my mother, although sometimes, by a weird twist of genetic fates, I look more like my mother’s younger sister, who didn’t survive to have children of her own.
Do you cry a lot?: I cry easily, but that doesn’t mean a lot.
Do you ever cry to get your way?: I hate crying. I would never do it on purpose.
What phrase do you use most when on the phone?: I have a bad habit of saying “No problem,” instead of “You’re welcome.”
Are you the romantic type?: Very.
Have you ever been chased by cops?: I’ve been pulled over, but there was no chase involved.
What do you like most about your body?: It made a healthy baby. Go me!
What do you like least about your body?: It’s shape/proportions.
When did you have your first crush?: I was madly in love with no less than six boys simultaneously in my 1st grade class.
In the opposite sex, do you prefer blondes or brunettes?: I don’t care about hair color. It helps if it’s clean, though.
What theme does your room have?: Um, our bedroom is mostly blue. LB’s room is Little Boy themed. That’s about it for themes at our house.
What do you drive?: Your typical family car, a Ford Windstar minivan.
When was the last time you cried in school?: Sophomore year of college when I realized I was going to drop out and move back home. Admitting I was overwhelmed and needed help was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.
What kind of music do you like?: Alternative, rock, classical, and an occasional song from other genres that I don’t necessarily like as a group.
Would you ever bungee jump?: Refer to the sky diving question.
What is your worst fear?: Something happening to Little Blue or hubby.
Would you ever join the army?: They wouldn’t take me if I tried, actually. But I wouldn’t like to anyway.
Do you like cows?: Beef good! Milk good! Cheese good! Leather good! Butter good!
Do you like to party?: A good party to me is one with board and/or card games, friends, not too many people, and optionally good movies/tv shows. I like them without or without responsible alcohol consumption. I don’t like them with irresponsible alcohol consumption.
Favorite scent?: Little Blue’s hair right after his bath.
Favorite band?: Too many to name, the tops right now are The Killers, Staind, Snow Patrol, Interpol, NIN
Would you ever dye your hair red?: I have before.
How many languages can you speak?: American English, a little bit of Spanish
What time are you finishing this?: 10:48 p.m.

Okay, so some of this wound up being complainy anyway. Too bad. :p

Not to break my copycat streak...

From Veggienerd via Blue Pamphlet, here is the courtesy-of-AmericanExpress My Card survey:

My name...Pink Pamphlet
childhood ambition...District Attorney - put the bad guys in jail hot-shot lawyer style.
fondest memory...My childhood imagination. I entertained myself with the most wonderful, adventurous stories.
soundtrack...bold, dramatic, moving, tempered by quiet, reflective melodies a la Hans Zimmer, John Williams, Howard Shore, and Danny Elfman.
retreat...really good sleep
wildest dream...winning the lottery.
proudest moment...my two-year-old having completely accident-free potty training days, and my hubby being recognised as the equivalent of employee of the year.
biggest challenge...admitting inadequacy and asking for help.
alarm clock...a loud beeping.
perfect day...having a perfect hair day (bouncy, flirtatious curly hair that doesn't drive me crazy), doing something simple but brilliant at work, then coming home to hugs and kisses and shouts of "Mommie! You brought your coat!" and enjoying a homecooked meal that cleans up easily to allow time for couch snuggling before the little guy goes to bed.
first job...typing and answering phones for dad's construction business.
indulgence...cheddar cheese
last purchase...at the drug store - birth control and chocolate.
favorite movie...changes all the time. right now - The Incredibles or Harry Potter.
inspiration...music
My life...is a love story, the best kind of love story, with more than one kind of love. A harmony of opposites: tears and laughter, innocence and sensuality, romantic attraction and motherly devotion. My world essentially revolves around only two people, but it is full.
My card...is MasterCard - some things in life are priceless.

Survey, Part Deux

1) I wouldn't mind being 21-24 again, when I was more certain of my youth and true adulthood still felt pretty far away. But then I didn't have Little Blue.
2) Where were you when 9/11 happened? At a gas station in KCMO getting chocolate milk on my way to work. I heard about the first plane crash on the radio right before I went inside, but at that point no one knew it was a deliberate act yet.
3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money? Get a little frustrated.
4) Do you consider yourself kind? Not as much as I used to be, but for the most part, still yes.
5) When you see a homeless person on the side of the road, what do you think? That I can think of half a dozen or more activities that person could do to improve their life that are more productive than begging or sleeping on the side of the road. I'm not a big fan of handouts. I think most of us are capable of doing some small thing to earn our way in the world. If quadriplegics can earn a living making paintings with a brush in their mouth, then most of the beggars I've ever seen ought to be able to do something useful.
6) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? The only way I could be made to get a tattoo would be in prison or something like that, and then I wouldn't have a choice about where it goes. I have no tolerance for that particular kind of pain.
7) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? I would love to speak Irish Gaelic or Welsh.
8) Do you know your neighbors? Yep!
9) What do you consider a vacation? Any bonus day I get to spend with my family instead of working, without taking a hit in the paycheck.
10) Do you follow your horoscope? Only for fun.
11) Would you move for the person you loved? Been there, done that.
12) Are you touchy feely? I have well defined comfort boundaries, and I'm usually very good at broadcasting them on a subconcious level. If I'm comfortable with someone hugging me, they can usually tell. If I'm not, it's obvious. A good example of this: not one stranger or little-known acquaintance ever touched my stomach while I was pregnant, despite many women reporting that it's common for unwanted attentions like that during pregnancy. It simply was clear that I wouldn't tolerate it.
13) Do you believe that opposites attract? I think attraction is a complex phenomenon, and that while it may be true that sometimes opposites attract, that doesn't necessarily mean that opposites will live happily ever after. I think a good balance of conflicting and complimentary interests and personality traits is necessary to have a relationship in which both parties can grow as individuals and yet share meaningful time together as well.
14) Dream job? Never having been one, I can say I'd love to be a book editor. Course, reality might be different than what I think it is.
15) Dream car? Any safe one that's free and has unlimited maintenance and warranty would be great.
16) Favorite channel? FoodNetwork
17) Favorite place to go on weekends? To the mall or a playground with Blue and Little Blue.
18) Showers or Baths? Long, long foamy whirlpooly baths with plenty of hot water to maintain the warmth.
19) Do you paint your nails? Toenails? Nope.
20) What do you like the most about yourself? I feel like I'm a good mother, and I'm proud of that.
21) What do you like the least? My body shape.
22) Do you trust people easily? I used to. Maybe I still do in comparison to other people who trust even less than me, but I feel like I trust people much less than I did a few years ago. I've gotten very tired of being deceived, and more than a little bit cynical about it.
23) What are your phobias? spiders
24) Do you want kids? I wanted the one that I have more dearly than anything else I've ever wanted. If I ever want one that strongly again, we'll think about having another.
25) Do you keep a handwritten journal? I used to.
26) Where would you rather be right now? Playing Robin Hood. :p
27) Who would you like to be more honest with? my employers, maybe.
28) Who makes you feel guilty? What I perceive as other people making me feel guilty i.e. my husband or sometimes his family is often just a projection of my own self-generated guilt.
29) Are you a heavy or light sleeper? Closer to heavy than light.
30) Are you paranoid? I'm starting to be, particularly about some politically-charged issues that have been coming up at work lately.
31) Are you impatient? With everything and everyone except my son.
32) Who can you relate to? My husband and some of my closest coworkers.

Because Blue got away with it, and besides I'm a hopeless conformist when it comes to these darn surveys...

1. Name three things you can't live without: My family, my roots/memories of home, and my sense of humor.
2. If you could hang out for a night with any fictional character, who would it be? Polgara the Sorceress.
3. As a kid, what did you want to be when you grow up? A district attorney, always, from like, age 5.
4. Right now what do you want to be when you grow up? First of all I'm as grown up right now as I EVER want to be, and second, I don't think I'm doing what I really want to do in terms of a career. But more importantly I am a wife and mother, and that IS what I most wanted to be.
5. What song always makes you cry? "The Most Beautiful Girl in the World"
6. What's the best advice you've ever been given? off the top of my head, "Don't believe everything you see, and only half of what you hear."
7. Are you a good liar? No, I'm a horrible liar. I have a saying. Gullible people can't lie. We believe everyone else is as transparent as we are. If we were capable of lying with any skill, we'd be able to tell when others lied to us.
8. What still surprises you about your life? That I am so far from being what I thought I should/could/would be at this stage of my life, and yet so happy so much of the time.
9. What quality can make you instantly connect to someone? A sense of humor similar to my own.
10. What turns you off right away? Smoking
11. What's really difficult for you? Setting boundaries i.e. saying NO when I'm overwhelmed, and asking for help.
12. What do you wish you'd done differently? My college years.
13. Desert island picks? Is it cheating to say a solar-powered distress beacon and a bountiful supply of food that tastes better than bugs and roots?? Okay if the answer has to be all survivoresque, then I'd say a good knife, a box of brand new lighters, and a plastic tarp.
14. Favorite spot at home? Snuggled up on the couch with my arm around my son watching toddlervision.
15. What emotion motivates too many of your actions? Frustrated, resigned but resentful acceptance of an increasingly lousy situation at work.
16. Favorite kind of extreme weather? I don't like extreme weather. I like a good breeze, a light fluffy snow, a gentle rain, and lazy summer heat, but I don't like any of those things when they occur in the extreme.
17. Do you have any recurring dreams? Yes, but I can only remember what it is for a day or two after I have an occurence of it.
18. Psychic or shrink? My horoscope thinks I'm psychic, but I'm not, so that leaves shrink I suppose. It makes sense when considering I spent half my teenage years in therapy.
19. Vintage or modern? I prefer most things modern.
20. Do you ever scream? Only on the inside.
21. What are you most afraid of? Financial insecurity and having something bad happen to my family.

How Happily Ever After is Done, Pamphlet-style

This is the post you've all been waiting for. The one-time-only, big ticket reveal of the Pamphlet secret that just might be the biggest reason for the successful relationships Blue and I have shared as a married couple and as parents. There's more, of course, but this single activity, in my belief, carries a large share of the credit for the almost charmed existence we live. Are you ready?

It's so simple it seems ridiculous that it could be so important, but it was. For the first year or two of our dating relationship, Blue and I spent many long hours playing what we call The Question Game. The rules are easy.

1. Play any game you want in which there is a clear winner. We used Scrabble, Go Fish, Poker*, Chess, Trivial Pursuit, rummy, and many others.
2. The winner of each game/round/hand gets to ask the loser 1 question. ANY question. And the loser MUST answer, and must answer honestly.

See how simple that is? And yet so profound. It transformed our dating years into one giant, fun-filled interview for Who Wants to be Married Happily Ever After. Through that game we explored our childhoods, our morals, our beliefs and convictions, the kind of spouses and parents we wanted to become, how we would handle challenging issues as a couple and as a family. We grew to understand how each of us thought in different ways but could arrive at compatible conclusions, and it taught us how to argue/disagree with respect and love. We got to know each other so deeply we knew what the other thought, dreamed about, hoped for, was ashamed of, liked, hated, and desired. The Question Game had no boundaries, no off-limits zone. We talked about our most embarrassing moments, our sexual fantasies and fears, our views on religion and on politics. We even questioned each other about what values we wanted to pass on to our future children regarding sex/abstinence, religious tolerance, and how we feel about drug use. And while (of course) we didn't come up with all the "right" or "perfect" answers for how to live our lives together, we learned invaluable lessons about how to communicate together and relate to each other. It opened our eyes and hearts and got us off to a good start.

So what does this mean to all of you? Maybe nothing. But maybe there's a way our game can be incorporated in your current or future relationships. Invent your own version, whether you're in a new relationship or one that's well established. I'm fairly sure it can't do any harm, and it might do a little bit of good, or else just be good plain fun.

*Intimate couples: for a really revealing night of Question Game, trying playing it with Strip Poker! Somebody will be baring more than just their soul that night! ;-)

On My Own

Tonight, for the first time in two years, I will spend the night alone. The first time in all of Little Blue's short life that I will have been away from him overnight. He has gone with daddy to a family member's wedding out of town, and I have stayed home to catch up on some work at the office and have some time to myself. I am conflicted. The parts of me that know I really need to get that work done and that it's healthy for me to want time for myself are at war with the parts of me that hate working on my personal time and would rather be anywhere with Blue and Little Blue than be here without them. So the whole weekend is likely to be wishy-washy, back-and-forth, like-it-and-hate-it. I can't wait to truly sleep in tomorrow morning, and I can't wait for them to come back tomorrow night. I dread spending five or six hours alone in my office doing boring work I don't really enjoy, and I look forward to spending an evening of watching whatever I want on television and reading books without pictures and snuggling with kitty. And calling my Blues to see how their day was and tell them good night.

Down and Dirty

There is nothing like a bout of stomach flu to reduce an otherwise confident adult into a sniffling child who wants her mommie. If you have a weak stomach or are eating right now, please skip this post.

Yesterday started out much like any other, with the jarring exception of me waking up at 3am having to go potty. You know, #2. Not a big deal, really. Got up, did the dirty duty, and went back to bed. Not ten minutes later, major #2 emergency sensations send me running back to the bathroom. Hmmm. I begin to ponder my previous day's meals. Five minutes later, I am still on the toilet, and feeling that special, shivery-cold far-away feeling I get right before I faint. I immediately call for back-up. I mean, who wants to pass out on the toilet at the same time as they're going #2??
"[Blue's name omitted for privacy]!!!"
Blue: "Uh?!" He wakes up groggily. I make piteous noises.
"I'm in the bathroom, and I feel faint." My hero rushes into the bathroom, holds my hand, and lets me lean against his tummy. By the way, if anyone ever doubted, I love the tummy. The tummy is MINE.
Anyways, Blue says comforting words and brings me cold water to drink and a damp cloth for my forehead. I continue to sit on the toilet and have diarrhea for another 30 minutes. This, I think, feels so awful. But then it's over, and we go back to bed, until the alarm goes off, which is not very much later. We discuss my work schedule for the day and decide 2 immodiums and toughing it out are my best options. I have unavoidable obligations at work, I say. So off I go. At work, I have three more miserable visits to the toilet before I discover, around 9am, that my unavoidable obligations are actually Thursday, not Wednesday. I promptly let my supervisor know I would like to go home, and he gladly sends me that direction. Except Blue's car is in the shop, and he has an off-site meeting that afternoon. So he needs my car. So I call and leave a message on his voice mail that I'm on my way, and head to the library. When I get there, as I knew he would be because he told me about it [good boy!] Blue was doing meet-and-greet duty with some volunteers. Only he wasn't quite done when he thought he would be, so I needed to wait for him a bit longer. But my gut said nooooo. Back to the bathroom I go. More diarrhea. I am beyond suspicion of my recent meals and have concluded I must have the stomach flu that's been going around my office. When I finish with that, I go back to the lobby. Still no Blue. I sit and wait. And fidget. And feel cold and shivery again. And get a nauseous feeling in my tummy. I have not vomited in years, I tell myself. I never vomit. I hate vomiting. There is no way I could possibly be about to vomit in the library. I wait. The feeling grows stronger. It is superceded by the time-to-go diarrhea feeling. I head for the bathroom. Enter the stall. The handicap one, since it's available, even though you're supposed to leave it open for possible handicapped people who happen by, I use it anyway cause it has more room. Which turned out to be my saving grace. Because when you're sitting on the toilet emitting diarrhea and suddenly begin to vomit, there's no where to put it. You're already on the toilet. I look around in desperation. No regular trash can, that would be too merciful. There is only a wall-mounted sanitary napkin trash bin with a tiny paper bag in it. I am desperate, what else can I do? So I grab the bag out of the sanitary napkin bin. And oh yes, it is not empty either. And I puke in it. If only that were the end of the story it would be bad enough. But no. The sanitary napkin bag is not big enough for my stomach contents. It quickly fills and I have no choice but to drop it and continue puking all over the floor next to the toilet. By now I am crying. I am humiliated, disgusted, and the sickest I have been in all my memory. My stomach muscles ache from the rigors of wretching. My hands shake so much I can barely manage to clean both ends of me and make my way to the sinks to wash. Then there is the walk of shame. I have to walk to the circulation desk and confess that I've been sick on the bathroom floor, request clean-up assistance, and humbly ask that my husband be paged to the front so I can finally leave. Then I return to the scene of the crime and try to put down some paper towels, but the mess is beyond my ability to tidy up. I have to leave it for the janitorial staff. I feel guilty as well as sick. At last, Blue rescues me and quickly walks me outside. I cry again, tell him what I did, he says it's okay and leads me to the car. Then my hero drives me home, takes me upstairs, helps me to bed, brings me ice water, a back-up glass of ice, the cordless phone, and a book. Lays down with me until I calm down and become sleepy. Promises, at my request, to apologize to the poor janitor who had to clean up my awful mess. Says he'll bring them doughnuts the next day. And heads back to work. I spend the entire rest of the day either in bed or on the toilet. I call my mommie, and tell her my horrible adventure. She comforts me, and wishes she were closer, as I do. I think no matter how old I am I will always wish for my mommie when I am sick. Mercifully, that public display of affliction was the only time I vomited yesterday, but the diarrhea was bad enough on its own. I did not eat again until supper time, when I sampled some lightly buttered toast, and on keeping that down, fixed myself a grilled cheese sandwich with chicken soup for dinner. And when I woke up this morning, I felt fine. It truly was only a 24-hour bug, but those 24 hours sure were bad! Today I am a humbler, and more grateful person, to say the least.

Out of The Mouths of Babes

This weekend was a particularly rich one for comical Little Bluisms. That little guy just has no end of bizarre or cute things to say. Some just make you shake your head in confusion and laugh. Like earlier today when he said, "Mommie, I talk to you." And then I did what a lot of parents seem to do in my situation, which is repeat what we think our toddler said by way of confirming whether we translated their babble correctly. "You want to talk to Mommie?" I smiled at him. With a perfectly straight face, he replied, "No." "Oh..." was all I could say in return, whilst Daddy Blue had a jolly good belly laugh over it.
Then there was dinner. We were having something homemade, what I would consider to be much better than fast food fare i.e. hamburgers and fries. I had made pork chops, delicately seasoned in a sweet/savory mixture of Chinese Five Spice and our favorite Santa Maria (garlic, salt, pepper, and parsley) blend. These were served up with some lemon peppered green beans and Stove Top stuffing. Blue and I thought it was delicious. Little Blue thought it needed several tablespoons of ketchup. There's just no accounting for taste!
But the crown jewel was our after-dinner, after-driving-around-to-see-if-Papa-Blue-was-stranded-on-the-side-of-the-road-and-discovering-he-was-safe-at-home-sleeping ice cream treat. Little Blue's chocolate custard is in one of our plastic cereal bowls. He eats it all by himself with a spoon. He's delighted. Until he finds a monster in it. We assure him there is no monster in the ice cream because monsters aren't real. He persists.
"No Mommie, monster! Monster real, Mommie! A real monster!" He points emphatically at the ice cream with his plastic spoon, which flings melted ice cream onto the table. I look closely in the bowl.
"There's no monster in there," I assure him. "I'll show you." I borrow his spoon and stir up all his ice cream, to remove any monster shapes from it's creamy structure.
"What doing?" he says with interest.
"I'm stirring your ice cream."
"Why?"
"To show you that there aren't any monsters in it."
"Why?"
"So you won't be afraid of it."
"Why?" Isn't anything obvious to this child??
"So you'll eat it," I reply with remarkable (for me) patience. I hand his spoon back to him. He half-heartedly pushes it through the ice cream to get a bite, and then drops the spoon in the bowl in alarm.
"There it is, there it is Mommie! Monster!" He pushes the bowl across the table toward me. "I don't wanna eat it Mommie, I don't wanna eatda monster."
I am completely baffled. "What monster??" He uses the spoon to point to it. It's none other than the bottom of his bowl, which curves upward and is showing through his ice cream in the very center of the bowl. Daddy Blue and I make what could have been a classic parenting mistake: we bust up laughing. Fortunately, Little Blue takes this abuse rather well, and is reassured when I tell him the monster is just the bottom of his bowl, so he finishes his ice cream like a champ.
Then we all troop upstairs to spend a few minutes in the bathroom while Little Blue sits buck naked on his very own potty chair for the first time. We read the potty book with the flushing toilet sound effects. Little Blue toots in the potty, which we consider to be a good start, and after waiting awhile to see if any actual pottying will occur, we pull up the real, cotton, big-boy underpants and put the little guy to bed, while visions of exciting potty milestones and messy potty accidents dance in our heads. It's a wonderful life. :)

Please allow me a girlish moment of romanticism...

It's easy to let the blog become a place of passive complaint. So let me break from that for a moment here, to express some good old fashioned sentimentality.

I still feel a swell of love every time I hear the song played that we danced to at our wedding. It's all I can do not to sing along whenever I hear the song I used to sing him on the phone before we were geographically together. I still have memorized how to play "our song" on the piano. Thinking about the two times he proposed to me brings a tear to my eyes. And I melt inside when he pays me one of his truly good compliments, like when he says I looked delicious in my Halloween outfit. He's still the best Sunday morning snuggler I know, even if now we have an extra body giggling between us and begging us to "Wake up! Wake up! I wan' go downstairs and play!" Whatever little quirks, whatever annoyances, or silly arguments, or dumb things we each get mad at, he's still the best partner I've ever had or imagined, in every way. We may have picked each other last, after trying other relationships first, but then again, life's little treasures are always in the last place you look, aren't they? ;)

So now you know that no matter how much I complain about anything, it's all just smoke and steam off the fire of a much deeper and more important emotion. 'Nuff said.

Wicked Witch of the Midwest

So, from out of nowhere (I swear) a reputation for ill-temper seems to have been cultivated about me. Well okay it's not completely from nowhere. I think it might be connected to my lack of receptiveness to last minute social plans - and I use the word "plans" loosely - that are the preferred method of gathering for my dear inlaws. Leaving a message on the wrong person's cell phone a couple of hours before a dinner outing that specifies a location but not a precise time and no central rally point is the sort of "planning" they are fond of. These chaotic rendezvous make me crazy, partly because of my own neurotic needs such as always being early and not backtracking while driving to a destination, both of which rules are violated by the surprise change of location at the last minute or the lack of information about the correct time to arrive, etc. While I recognize that most people do not suffer from the need to conform to these guidelines the way that I do, I think the vast majority of us do at least prefer that some degree of forethought and communication precede family gatherings that involve multiple family units traveling to a single location via separate vehicles from different points of origin. I don't think it's terribly unreasonable to expect these two basics to be established in advance: time and place. I've certainly wasted enough hours keeping my schedule open for tentative last minute plans and waiting around for late family members to show up to have earned the right to be irritated. But my frustration over numerous poorly-executed meetings has somehow translated into a reputation for being a grumpy woman who never wants to get together with the family and always has to be coerced into attending and will instantly veto any suggestion involving spontaneous activities. This was painfully illustrated this weekend when several family members in attendance at a wedding celebration suggested going out to a relative's new restaurant in a town an hour away at the spur of the moment. When I immediately agreed to go along, I was met with several stunned looks and a fair degree of amazement. They seriously expected me to go off the deep end. And I have to say that Mr. Blue does absolutely nothing to dissuade his relatives of their conclusions about me. Not only does he repeatedly keep his mouth shut even when he agrees or is as frustrated as I am, making it look like I'm the only bad guy, he also reinforces my bad reputation by making pessimistic assumptions about my reaction to a suggestion. His family, who goes to him first as the conduit to me because I am so difficult to please, presents the idea to him, and he says, "Well I already know the answer but I'll ask her anyway." Why don't they tape a sign to my back that says "Beware of Bitch" and be done with it? And what am I to do to keep the peace? Shut up, go with the flow, and pretend not to be bothered by all the inconveniences I suppose. It's not as if we don't all enjoy each other when we finally all get to where we're supposed to be. We have lots of fun, and lots of affection for each other. It seems hopeless to think these events will ever be better planned. Even if I plan the whole thing myself and tell them to be there earlier than I actually want them to come, they will manage to be late. It runs in the blood, I see the tendencies in Mr. Blue and I'm sure they've been passed on to Little Blue, as it is clearly a dominant trait in this family. But I hate that being the only one raised with a different approach to organization makes me the bad apple. It's hard enough to mix families together without them all thinking you're impossible to get along with. And hard enough to be so far from my own family and our traditions without having to face these situations without any help from the one person among them who is supposed to be my teammate.

Ahoy!

My pirate name is:

Captain Anne Cash

Even though there's no legal rank on a pirate ship, everyone recognizes you're the one in charge. You're musical, and you've got a certain style if not flair. You'll do just fine. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

Cat vs. Baby - The score is tied, I think...

Little Blue got a haircut yesterday. With his hair grown out a bit, he looks more babyish, I guess because of his adorable curls. But now, all trimmed up neat and tidy, he's still totally adorable but looks like a little boy, a child, instead of a toddler or baby. This is accentuated by the fact that he has lost much of his baby fat that rounded out his cheeks and chin. His slender face makes him look older, more grown up. I am at once charmed and dismayed by this transformation. His maturing is of course delightful, accompanied as it is by an expanded vocabulary, more refined sense of humor and of compassion, and more willingness to focus and play interactively with us. At the same time, though, these developments signal the end of his babyhood, and brings into sharp focus that should we decide not to have any more children, we will never see these precious days again. It's a choice that looms over us in the background, a shadowy corner in our bright happy days that we try not to think about, but the time to decide draws ever nearer. Every time we discuss it I seem to have changed sides in the debate.

Then there is the kitty issue. Guen, nicknamed Little Girl, has never had a very high opinion of our human offspring. In the beginning, he was like part of the furniture, just another warm, cuddly squishy thing in our laps to lay down on. A few scoops and swats that sent her flying soon disabused her of that misconception and firmly implanted its terrible replacement ideology: the human child was an evil usurper who robbed her of our affections and should be hunted down and maimed at any available opportunity. Forced separations, time outs, begging, scolding, and swatting have not been able to uproot her foul outlook. Little Girl has taken up the habit of coaxing the child to play, then suddenly springing up to bite him. Little Blue has, through his amazing observational powers, quickly learned the fine art of scolding. Once bitten, he alternates between his two favorite behavioral responses: run and tattle to get kitty in trouble, or shortcut to chasing kitty down and scolding her himself, shouting "No no! Bad ditty! NO BITE!" and pointing his righteous finger of accusation in her face. Which she, of course, bites. For most people it is obvious that the cat has got to go. She's misbehaving, resists rehabilitation and shows no signs of improving in the future. She has even resorted to spiteful acts of urination on occasion. But for us, who adopted her as a kitten in the aftermath of the heartwrenching proclamation that we would not be able to have children, Little Girl is more daughter than pet, and the prospect of giving her away even to the best of homes is almost unbearable. We feel responsible for her unhappiness and her bad behavior, and it's hard to tell whether letting her go would only be a worse punishment or a welcome relief for her.

And so we delay, in both cases. There is still a two or maybe as much as three year window of opportunity within which we could decide to have another baby. And the days with kitty just seem to slip by, and not all of them are marred by incidents of biting or bad behaviors. We tell ourselves to watch a little closer, and we tell Little Blue not to play with the grumpy kitty, and try to believe that if we can just get through these toddler years, Little Blue will be wiser to kitty's body language and less interested in her, too. Maybe then we won't have to think about giving her up at all.

Unless we have another baby...

Grace

Tuesday I lost my grandmother. When we are as old as our parents, or maybe older, we view death with a certain wisdom, a knowledge of the circle our lives must make to return us to whatever you believe our beginnings were, but as youths we're a bit too "in the moment" for that kind of transcendent acceptance, as I discovered this week.

In my arrogant forethought on the matter, I viewed my grandmother's progression toward death with a kind of detached logic. She had lived a good long life, aged gracefully, and seemed prepared for her imminent departure to the next world. I knew her death would be gentle, peaceful, not sudden, but soon. Knowing ahead meant I felt ready. That I would accept the news with dignity, in complete control of my feelings, which would be a mixture of appropriate sadness and delicate relief at her release from the tiredness and weakness of age. Labeling my emotions in advance made them fit easily into manageable portions. There would be no awkward scene, no blubbering. I was ready to let go of her, I was sure.

How utterly ridiculous of me.

I miss you, Phyllis Grace. Watch over my son, that he might know your love. Peace be with you. Peace be with us all.

Anger Management

When I am calm and tranquil, able to step outside the narrow realm of my own perspective and view myself and others somewhat objectively, I am fascinated with the study of this powerful emotion. Anger is such a fluid, versatile, and multi-faceted state of being. It can ebb and flow like a tide, or come crushing and terrible out of nowhere like an uncharted asteroid, fiery and disastrous. Then again sometimes it is slow and noisy, grumbling louder and louder until the breaking point like a summer storm.
"When I was a child...I thought as a child..." In childhood "angry" was almost like a bad word. I would only ever say I was "mad" and even that was a reluctant admission. As an adult, armed with my pink pamphlet's chapter on self-validation, I have no such inhibitions. I get angry, more easily than when I was a child even. But when I get angry, my mouth opens. I don't like to keep it inside, it's like hot gas expanding in an enclosed space - best to open things up before the explosion comes. Alone, amazingly colorful, sharp words and thoughts spring out of me, that I would have been shocked to hear anyone say fifteen years ago. But somehow they empower me, and take the pressure off the boiler, so to speak. After that, I still want to talk, but constructively about the problem, rather than just spitting out descriptive words that convey emotion without ideas. This confounds the Blue Pamphlet on soooo many levels. First, his number one instruction in that little manual of his is FIX IT. Whatever it is, whoever it is, FIX IT and move on. But Pinks don't like being fixed. We find fixing to be antagonistic and insulting. It implies we can't do it ourselves, and that someone else can do it better. It doesn't lend itself to the impression that genuine listening and validation is occurring in our interaction with Blue. Second problem, when FIXING fails, Blue Pamphlet's very next cardinal rule to follow is: SAY WHAT SHE WANTS TO HEAR. Maybe this works for some of you out there. If so, I congratulate you. Or pity you. I'm not sure which. But I can tell you this doesn't work for Blue and I, because we spent so much of our dating years talking, really truly talking, that we now see right through each other whenever we attempt any kind of half-assed smooth-over strategy instead of being genuine. So my poor Blue, who knows that telling me what I want to hear will never work, is left with nothing else to do but clam up and hope for the best. And despite all the terrific definitions and explanations in the Pink dictionary and the Chapter about "Teaching Guys How to Talk" I still can't seem to explain exactly what I'm looking for from him in those conversations. Some kind of mixture of listening, having an opinion, making suggestions but not overbearingly fixing the problem for me.... It's an ideal almost impossible to achieve. Then there's Blue's anger. He keeps that to himself better than his most private computer passwords, and for a geek that's saying something. Half the time I can't tell which of us he's ticked at, me or himself. Or both. Unfortunately it means most Pink and Blue arguments end either in silence until our moods improve or else we end up just laughing and agreeing that we just can't figure each other out on this one. Not very good for resolving the heart of the conflict, but at least we feel better sooner or later. And even though there are many things we can't seem to agree on, things we don't "get" about each other, I still think we know each other better than almost any other completely opposite beings could possibly know each other, and no matter how confused, we're pretty far ahead in the great game.

Credit where credit is due

My husband says he wasn't the first to come up with this whole pamphlet idea. He thinks he might have seen a comedian talk about it or something like that. Anyone who actually knows the truth about it is welcome to post it for the rest of us.
Speaking of the pamphlets, specifically the blue one... Today my husband and his father installed a trailer hitch with electrical wiring on our yuppiemobile (aka minivan). They got really dirty, and were pretty proud of themselves, spending quite a few minutes after they were finished with the installation describing how it went to me, accompanied by manly gestures, sports analogies ("We were fishing for the wire...") and, of course, grunt sounds. Fortunately, I know enough from the pink pamphlet to respond to this behavior correctly: I smiled appreciatively, said "Wow!" and "Really!" a few times, applauded along with our toddler, who loves to clap his hands, and indicated with my facial expressions and body language that my husband was now even more macho in my eyes after having completed this man-task for me. I think we both got what we wanted from that particular communication exchange.

Ever get that...not so fresh feeling? Keep it to yourself!

I can almost guarantee you will not want to talk about it, and no one else wants to hear about it either. Furthermore, we do not want to watch commercials about it, or any other awkward, embarrassing femmy product on the market. There ought to be laws against subjecting innocent civilians to this kind of thing! Just this evening my husband and I were enjoying a humorous evening of watching "Whose Line is it Anyway" when suddenly our delicate sensibilities were assaulted by a bizarre commercial featuring exotic flowers on a box of feminine....somethings. Honestly, we're not sure what the boxes contained, that wasn't really mentioned in the ad. But we know there were pretty flowers on the outside of the package, which seemed to be the star of the show. As these things go, it was a fairly low-blush factor commercial, and there are some that are far worse. You know the kind I'm talking about. The Blue Liquid line of feminine product commercials, guaranteed to bring you mental images of things you would rather not imagine. They have achieved what I hope is the pinnacle of their yucky powers in the creation of the "Sticky Feeling" commercial. They should show that thing to sexual predators in prison. After watching it, how could anyone want to go near a woman ever again?
Right up there with the girly product ads are the ones about certain bodily functions we will not mention here. Let's just say regularity is a topic best left to private examining rooms in doctors' offices, and not on national television. And I don't know any woman who would actually hand her husband a box of that product with the name showing in front of a plane full of gawking passengers. After all, there's a limited number of bathrooms and typically only one way to get back to your seat. Talk about a walk of shame. Folks, if you seriously find yourself wondering about these products, do us all a favor. Read the package labels in the store. Preferably alone. Consult with the pharmacist. But for pete's sake wait till I'm done paying for my uh... girly items. It's hard enough to bring them to the counter to buy without having you walk up right at that moment to ask about your....symptoms. Thanks.